


in the eyes of gods and men

by stardustspeedway



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Gen, Hyur Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), M/M, Male Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Multiple Warriors of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:00:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27488494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stardustspeedway/pseuds/stardustspeedway
Summary: for #drkweek2020 - multiple tales from the story of one warrior of light and his inner darkness embarking down the road less traveled
Relationships: Fray Myste/Warrior of Light
Kudos: 6





	in the eyes of gods and men

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still alive and writing, and as always I arrive fashionably late to something (having learned of its existence the day it started, oops) but that won't stop me from trying my best to finish every prompt because dark knight is so close to my heart, so here goes nothing!
> 
> for day one, I smushed the two prompts together in my own interpretation of 'salvation after ones sin' and has spoilers for Patch 4.3 of Stormblood, Under the Moonlight

It’s a quiet room. A room just big enough for Kaoru’s thoughts to balloon and take up all the gray space between his futon and the ceiling, making the summer air even stuffier than it already was. In times like these, he would nudge Auguste, who he can easily imagine asleep across from him in his silken pajamas, and, like a saint sent from Halone herself, be the perfect listener and dispense advice that would be absurdly specific, extremely poignant, and settle all his worries.

Or so he'd like to imagine in this little fantasy world he dreams up to help pass the sleepless hours. As things were in reality, he was handling things in Doma while Auguste oversaw post-war efforts back in Gyr Abania with his husband who was still recovering from grave war injuries.  
  
Left to his own devices, Kaoru is thinking about the girl in the other room. Thinking about her innocent giggles and the laughter that betrays the cruel cackles she had directed at him as the walls crumbled around them, how victorious her sinister glare was as it penetrated him, certain that once and for all, she could rid the Empire of an obstinate Warrior of Light. 

He’s thinking how everyone questions her every move, waiting for the exact second her mask slips so they can demand the retribution they so rightfully deserve. They had every reason to doubt her, and he had enough firsthand evidence himself. It was so open and shut that he shouldn't have second thoughts.

Yet somehow, he did. 

There was a moment of doubt that not everything was as it seemed, that there was truth to this madness. The earnest look in her eyes takes him back so many years to a look he’s seen in many eyes before hers, eyes of innocence before they were robbed by the harsh realities of the wars they had been embroiled in one after the other.

He thought of what felt like a lifetime ago when they had fled Ul’dah, a moment that irreversibly etched into his heart that they could never go back to the way things once were. How much his friends had changed, how many friends had come into his life and gone far too soon. So many lost to the merciless ebb of time, as the clock continued to tick onwards beside his bed in spite of them all. 

They were all going forward, none of them going back.

Somehow the wayward hope of the soul prevails, the wish that everything could only be a little different. Just a harmless little change - a different word, a quicker action, all could have led to a saved life. A hopeless musing that everyone had, that no matter how mercilessly entertained would bear no fruit. After all, if just one hair had been out of line, the entire present would fall apart. And he would not be in this bed, at this exact time, the exact man he was today with a different yet familiar voice talking him through his thoughts. 

A voice that, ever since a certain _incident_ at Whitebrim, has learned to let Kaoru spin in at least one fruitless circle until he’s tired himself out, before listening to much more pragmatic advice. This was how they did things, after all. He toyed with a crystal that was never let out of his grip, nestled against his heart, picking at the chipped and frayed edges rather affectionately. With a twinkle that one could akin to a chuckle, Fray allows Kaoru to spin in this little circle of memories one more time.

If only the Twelve had been merciful enough to grant him a small grace when he came to the end of the line with Minfilia in the Sil’dahn ruins. Just the tiniest nudge in the pit of his gut that _this will be the last time you will see her. The last time you will look into her eyes and see her as she was._

A brave warrior, chosen by Hydaelyn herself to carry out great things.

To the history books, a paragon of light. To him, a friend he would never see again.

If only he knew what was to come, each and every grueling day ahead, maybe he would have stammered more eloquent parting words than whatever he had managed. He barely had the chance to say anything, let alone ‘goodbye’ before she had run off, eager to meet her destiny as he was forced to face his own. 

Kaoru would have glanced over his shoulder one more time as everything he had never said suddenly came rushing to him at once.  
  
 _But it could have been the one step of hesitation that let the Braves catch up with you._

“I know,” Kaoru says to no one in particular, clutching the oddly shaped stone to his chest that seemed to glow in response.

It’s far easier to balm himself with ‘ _meant to be_ ’s and other isms, to avail any regrets. To tell himself that story to make himself feel better. But the girl in the other room is another chance.

Maybe this too, is just another story he’s telling himself, link after link in the chain that's kept him going this far.

All the half started sentences stabbed at his spine and forced him to sit up, to look at the pane of glass where moonlight filtered in through the window and stare at the same face that insisted countless ‘it’s fine’s and other assorted lies in the face of earnesty. She had cared for him like family, the only family he had known since his father had disappeared years ago, who was happy to see him even when he had nothing to offer when all he could think of was _why, why should you care about me when I have nothing to give you?_

 _Because what's done is done_ , a voice in the abyss finally replies, clearly spent at having been forced to endure this parade of self flagellation. _Cruel as it was, neither her nor your past will ever be changed. But every second you spend here, whittling away hours with nights long gone, the more you forsake what's in front of you._

Kaoru tossed back the covers and a gleam eagerly lit the way in the darkness.  
 _  
So this is what you've decided? _  
  
“It is.”  
  
 _Then go. And don't waste time casting glances over your shoulder at what could be._

There's one last chance to hesitate, but sheer stubbornness awakens his contrarian. He doesn't even knock, just slides the paper partition open to reveal a girl gazing raptly into her pocket mirror, staring with a frown that does not become such a face. Indeed, a smile would suit her better.

Kaoru sits down beside her, finding comfort in the way it feels more natural to his body. It takes him back to his room in Shishu where he would sit studying on a cushion rather than the tall chairs in Eorzea.

She puts the mirror away, clearly delighted at having company after being avoided for so long by everyone but Gosetsu. Her pure, mirthful delight at something so simple pricks him with a needle of sadness. Perhaps envy. He wishes such simple things could bring him happiness once more.  
  
While he's lost in thought, Yotsuyu seems to be analyzing him as though he were an intricate painting.  
  
“Is there something on my face?” Kaoru teases, reflexively touching his cheeks to rub at the freckles that spread like stars.  
  
“...Now I recognize you. You're the boy who jumped off the pier.” Her laughter at such a memory sounds like wind chimes. Right, he remembers now - Yotsuyu, or rather, _Tsuyu_ had said that Kaoru scared her because he smelled like blood. There was a quick and easy fix for that, and far be it from him to not take advantage of his free blessing to breathe underwater.  
  
“What can I say? I really needed a bath.”  
  
Her laughter continues, and the moonlight dances on the floor. “You're so funny!”

An idea strikes, something that’s been on his mind ever since he’s been forced to return home and re-discover all the bits and pieces of his childhood he thought he'd long since left behind. “Say, you've heard shamisen music before, haven't you?” She eagerly nods in the affirmative, like a child expecting a reward.  
  
“Can I play a song for you?”  
  
“A song…? Why would you play a song for me?”

 _For someone like me, who can offer you nothing..._  
  
“Why not?” He smiles, and it's apparently so infectious that she smiles back. It's a buoyant feeling. Auguste was the healer; Kaoru was the one who destroyed. The dark knight who always came back stained in blood, sometimes his own. This must be what it feels like, he thinks.  
  
“I'd like that.” She answers, and sits obediently, waiting for him to fish the instrument out of his room and come running back.  
  
And maybe this time, it will turn out differently.  
  


* * *

  
“Do you still want to change it?”  
  
Fray's whispers are nearly lost to the whims of the wind as they sit on the shores of Yanxia. Everyone had long since scattered to the winds; they had not even a moment to breathe with the news that Zenos could still be alive and what they would have to do in the aftermath now that their hand had been forced. 

Kaoru had let go of her hand before it would go cold so he could remember what it felt like with life instead.  
  
Alphinaud had already left with Maxima, Hien had left to fulfill his duty, and Kaoru's boots were getting wet as the waves lapped at his feet again and again in an endless tide.  
  
“You're thinking about it again, aren't you?” _Of course you are. I know you._ “You wanted to change the past so many times. You're thinking now, maybe, if I had done one thing, just _one_ thing differently...”  
  
Then maybe it wouldn't have to be this way. Such fruitless words drop into the Glittering Basin, dyed red with the sinking sun. Kaoru hadn’t breathed a word since they left the castrum, but Fray didn’t need to hear anything. He could feel it in the shallow breaths, the sinking feeling of a stone falling deep inside that permeated his own being, for they were one and the same.

_Forgive me, forgive me… I ask, I beg, I pray, but it never comes…_

“No.” Kaoru exhales, and the stone that has been waiting to hit rock bottom inside him finally shatters to pieces against the floor. This time, Kaoru had said every foolish thing, some attempts more outlandish than the last, picking up the instrument he thought he would never play since he had cast it away in his youth. He sang, he smiled, he wept, he pleaded with her that he didn't want to fight. Even though he knew she crossed the point of no return, he shouted out to her, so he would never regret it.  
  
 _I did everything I could,_ he responds to the voice that plagues his heart. He wants it to come out more like a defiant shout, and yet it’s accepted like a hug. Where he expects to fall to his knees and crumble against the sand, he stands up instead, and finds his wobbly knees being steadied with strong hands and a fierce golden gaze.  
  
“You're right. You did everything you could. Just remember what I told you, in the past you hold so dear. A dark knight cannot save everyone. Sometimes, you're fortunate enough to only save yourself.”


End file.
